A Mexican-American in King Valdemar’s Court

The Seal of Kolding, Denmark (circa 1230s):

And, a tapestry of the Seal of Mexico (from a legend circa 1320s):

(Anyone trying to find any truth in this story will be shot with a Rubando Pistola, otherwise known as a “rubber band pistol”)

My name is Anthony Garza and I am a communications engineer from Lubbock, Texas. A few years ago I was traveling in Mexico City and introduced myself to a young Mejicano named Penjamo. Since my spanish was so bad and his english was so good we became good friends as he showed me the sites in the Mexican Capital. Unfortunately, near the old Lake Tenochtitlan, I injured my head from a falling scaffold where some workers were plastering the side of a new building. The next thing I knew I was in a very strange land with a strange man holding a spear to my chest.

The man tied my arms and took me to a fellow named Valdemar, apparently the King of Denmark from the best my mental history could remember. And if my memory served me right, I was somehow transported to the year 1235. The King spoke in a language which sounded German so using my best “lengua de los Alemanes” I was able to get at least a few words across to him.

I was wearing a western-cut shirt which had the Mexican flag embroidered on it and around my waist was a rattlesnake belt which the King found quite impressive. I got the feeling that I was considered some sort of a magician. The King, his guards and subjects treated me with such grand respect. They took me to the Royal Danish Court and placed a beautiful amulet around my neck. The amulet was lovely and portrayed an eagle sitting on a rock surrounded with water which fed a beautiful plant which looked like a lily. I can’t be absolutely sure because jewelry back in those days wasn’t exactly made with precision.

In my shirt pocket I had a Hershey’s chocolate bar which I hadn’t eaten. Since it was the only thing I could offer to the King as a gift, I bowed to him and gave him the Hershey’s. He took a sniff of it and smiled. I opened the wrapper and broke off a square for him to sample. As best as I could tell he wanted to know where he could get some more. I told him the only place I knew where to get chocolate was way beyond the sea in a country called Mejico. King Valdemar placed me in charge of a great mission along with 100 of his finest Danish soldiers and sailors. Since I wanted to go back home I was delighted to make the trip. I told the King that I would find some chocolate plants and have his sailors bring them back to him.

The trip to Mejico took many many months but finally I was able to locate Cuba and we continued until the coast of Mejico was within view. We set foot on the coast and 50 soldiers accompanied me on the journey to find chocolate. The other 50 sailors stayed on the coast awaiting our arrival. Many weeks passed until we finally found some chocolate plants near where Mexico City stands today. Unfortunately, we came across a few Aztec tribesmen who weren’t very happy about us taking the chocolate plants.

I ordered the Captain of our unit to hurry back to the coast with the chocolate plants while I tried to evade the Aztecs alone. Since I wanted to get back to Lubbock, no matter what it looked like in the 13th century, I “borrowed” a canoe and headed north bidding the Captain goodbye. As I turned to see if the Aztecs were gaining on me, one of their warrior’s arrows hit me square in the chest. I pulled the arrow from my body and painfully continued to paddle until I found a small island in the middle of the lake where I could rest and tend to my wound. At this moment an earthquake shook the entire area. I hung onto a small Nopal cactus praying that I wouldn’t be washed into the lake. I passed out and found myself in a Mejican hospital with Penjamo at my bedside.

When I look back upon my fantastic trip to Denmark I realize that it was my body which was found by the Aztecs in the year 1325. My skeleton still had the amulet around my neck and the rattlesnake belt around my waist. I also realized that if it weren’t for my daring adventure back to the Americas the Danish never would have been able to make some of the best desserts known to the world.

So, the next time you see a Mexican flag flying in the wind you’ll know that it is my shirt which was “Primera Bandera del Pais”.

Anthony Garza is an amateur researcher of Mark Twain, whose story “A Connecticut Yankee” is satirized on this website.

© Copyright Anthony Garza, used with permission.